Fillory and Back Again

Nerves. We all get them. Some more often than others. Me? Feeling nervous is a round the clock thing for me. First dates? Nervous. First kiss? Surprised (but also anxious). First time doing vaguely adult things with a partner? 100-pound sack of skittish nerves. The second go round wasn’t much better since only about half of what happened was consensual on my end. (That humanoid currently owns and operates a fairly successful company.) Where’s karma when you really need it?

Other things that make me nervous? Initiating contact with people I haven’t spoken to in months or hell,what feels like years. Here’s what happens: I think about initiating contact. Then I go over the possible ramifications of either going though with that course of action or doing nothing at all. I’ll wait a little while longer before going through the same process again, which only serves to plant further seeds of anxiety in an already overfull hypothalamus.

Then the panic sets in. If I don’t catch it early enough that panic blooms into a full on panic/hysteria attack. Once I’ve finally decided on whether I’ll follow through I’ve worked myself up so much that it takes a while to calm down. On extremely rare occasions I might even need a short nap after. (There was only a touch of sarcasm in that last statement.) And that ladies and gentlemen, leads to a very unpleasant me. Partly because I loathe naps. (Unless it’s of the post-coital variety, then I’m happy to indulge.)

After all that, I still spend a lengthy period of time over-analyzing every possible aspect of the initial contact and wondering what I could  have done differently.

On an entirely unrelated note: I need to shop for new lingerie soon and go see my doctor about adjusting or switching my current prescription.



Well Then

The last three months have been a whirlwind of activity. Some positive and others not so bright. I started working for the first time in a very long time. Nights sadly, so I don’t get out often. That’s been something of a mixed bag. Most of my coworkers are great and my bosses seem to like me so that’s been nice. Having customers call in and complain over things I can’t control? Not so much.

Unpleasantness at work and even more loss on a personal level has left me itching for an escape to somewhere far, far away from here. Somewhere with vaguely itchy hay rides, cider and horrid Fair Isle sweaters  would be perfect.

There’s a jazz festival I’ve wanted to go to for a couple of years now so I’ve been saving for that along with a trip I’d planned to take to the east coast a year and a half ago but never got to. I’m looking forward to both. One will take be over Thanksgiving and the other possibly a few weeks before if I can get the time off for both. Otherwise I’ll have a tough decision to make. But one of these trips will happen.I won’t have a repeat of 2015.


If I don’t update this by Monday afternoon, send me an email or message on my profile over on Fet. I may have just gotten caught up in work and studying.




It’s been, five or six months since I last wrote? Well, few things have happened since then. Not all of them good.

The one good thing is that the IUD I’ve been using to manage my crippling periods works flawlessly now. Aside from a bit of barely visible acne around my chin and the occasional random cramps. I hit the 6 month post-insertion mark on the 17th. While the initial adjustment stage was rocky, I’ve just about reached a happy medium now. I can actually function all month instead of 2.5-3 weeks. So that’s one source of physical pain that’s been taken care of.

But the main thing that’s kept me away? A friend of mine passed away a couple of months ago. She’d made it years longer than the doctors said she would. In fact, they only gave her three months at the most.

You know what surprised me? How happy she was. Even through the last four months, she’d ask after everyone’s family members. She’d scold people for crying when they visited. Why would she berate them?  Because she felt that what little time she had left should be celebrated for the gift it was rather than mourned.What got to me was her regret. The one thing she regretted? Not volunteering and doing more charity work before the end. And she meant it.Between her post-grad program, work, chemo and family she felt bad about not being able to go out and do selfless things for others.

Damn it. I  miss her.

Bent Out of Shape

This is what I ended up listening to while I was in bed all weekend.


Not quite the same day like I’d hoped but my hands ached a little too intensely over the last couple days for the repetitive movements involved in typing. Even now, it still hurts a bit (about a 4 currently). I might be going to the movies with friends later this week but I have no idea what to watch. Bad Moms looks like it could be great. Or at least good for a few laughs. And I’m strongly considering writing a cell phone novel through TextNovel.


Rapid change and other things


Complete randomness ahead. I’m sleep deprived at the moment.

My number’s changed again. If you’ve got my old number get in touch and I’ll give you* the new one. Unless you’re the one friend that got me excited about the Pottermore equivalent of Pokemon Go. That turned out to be a hoax.  In the words of a certain Tanner: how rude. 

In other news, I have a surprise mini vacation this week so I’ll be spending it getting caught up on “Star Trek Outpost”  and “The Archers”. And cooking extremely spicy curries just for the hell of it. Some might say it’s the masochist inside that draws me to the sort of spiciness I tend to crave but the truth? Most of the curries I’ve tried were just that amazing. I may end up ignoring this particular craving since my stomach’s become a bit sensitive in response to both medications. I may post a weekend playlist to go along with my next post later today. Feel free to post any song suggestions below.


Lately there’s been a number of people on m mind that I haven’t thought about in a good few months. It’s left me confused.Especially about two specific people. And I’ve also been concerned that I might fall back into old habits which partly contributed to the ruin of my last — whatever it was. I honestly don’t know how to define what I may or may not have had with one of those two.


*Yes  Bob, that means you.


Disclaimer: Bob is a fictional character of the Dresden variety.


 Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.


 Dom, sub, switch?

I’m just getting back into the swing of things after a very long absence and I’m not entirely sure where I fit in that spectrum. I’ve got kinks for days ,so at the very least I know that I identify as a fetishist of sorts. I’m a sensation slut and just can’t get enough of things that go sting and thud . With the odd fluff and thwack thrown in for good measure. The closest I could get to defining the role I identify with most might be “bottomy switch”. Even then, that doesn’t feel precise enough.

As a submissive, I’m typically happiest when I’m doing things that are service-oriented.

The only time I’ve ever topped and genuinely enjoyed it was with one man. But y’all, it scared the daylights out of me. Not being on top, but how much I enjoyed it with him specifically. If he stumbles across this at any point, he knows exactly who he is. With the few other instances I’d tried topping, it always felt like I was being pushed into an uncomfortable position where I had to be a cruel bitch. And not in a sexual context either. With this particular person though, it felt natural. It felt right. But that could also have had a lot to do with how smoothly things seemed to go.

Maybe I’m being hard on myself, but I still feel as if I’m to blame for the way things ended. Even though I know that, logically, it’s not. After all it does take (at least) two to make any relationship work.

What parts of BDSM interest you?

Well I’m pretty into being restrained, dominated, possibly dominating others doing ouchy things to certain people and having them done to me as well. So I’d say I’m into all parts of the acronym in question. My hard limits are: scat, raceplay, cuckqueaning, polyamory and forced weightloss. I’m open to trying most things at least 1-3 times. I would really like love to learn more about what it takes to be a good top/dominant partner and a submissive. Somehow I have this sneaking suspicion that a lot of the answer are already in front of me. But who knows?

Other things I’m interested in: rigging, body service and bootblacking.  I’ve no doubt the list of things I’m interested in learning more about will grow over time but that’s it for now.

A long ways to go

So far, I’ve existed. But now? Now I want to thrive. To be more than an observer.

Why am I here?

  • I need an outlet for my creativity. I’ve got a few too many story ideas jockeying for first place in my head and they need to be released.
  • To keep a public log of my journey with health and fuctional fitness
  • To actually complete the 30 Days of Kink series this year
  • To keep myself from crawling back into the cavern of isolation that is life with chronic pain and increasingly severe joint issues.
  • I’d like to get started doing book reviews


Who am I?

A creative, sometimes vivacious and bubbly twenty-something in search of something more. So far, I’ve existed. But now? Now I want to thrive. To be more than an observer. Live the way I’ve wanted to but never quite had the courage. In search of an education that surpasses the academic. I have this near insatiable desire for knowledge borne from being stretched to the very edge of my imagination then hurled past.

I’m a brilliant list maker but an awful list follower. A mosquito magnet in love with being outdoors when I can manage it. I’m able to plan a decent trip with diverse, entertaining itineraries and in a snap if needed but also have time management issues that turn a ‘snap’ into “Where the hell is my trip, girl?”

I’ve recently been  bitten by the self improvement bug. That’s led to a renewed interest in functional fitness and wellness. I’ve lived with chronic pain and increasingly severe joint problems since about the beginning of summer in 2015. I’ve recently begun to get that under control with the help of a new doctor and new (to me) medication. I still need to see a rheumatologist to figure out exactly what’s wrong but so far the tentative opinion from one doctor is that it might be fibromyalgia. That’s a little scary but, if that is what’s going on then at least I’ll have the relief of finally getting an answer. Along with being able to develop a plan of care tailored to combat illness specific concerns.

The downside of my recent health issues? I won’t be able to exercise even remotely close to the way I used to. At least not at first. And not without heavy modifications in the beginning. But I’m working on staying focused and making small, measurable, realistic goals that won’t be monumentally difficult to achieve. The positive? With consistent exercise, I should be able to recover some of my range of motion and hopefully improve the health of my joints along the way.

Essentially: I can sometimes be a jumbled mass of contradictions but I mean well and I’m looking to figure myself out this year.