Escape to Eden

Note:

My wrist is still hurting from what I did to it yesterday so this might not be too detailed.


Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Looking back, there were many hints about my sexual interests. But I didn’t  “discover” that I was kinky until about 10 years ago. Courtesy of Google actually. I was looking up alternative remedies for the flu when she found me. An image of a women dressed in black latex with an accompanying armbinder. The spark of curiosity soon grew into a bonfire. I scoured every possible resource I could get my hands on for more. Given how thorough I can be on a fact finding mission, “more” turned out to be a sizable molehill.
 
From there I searched through Yahoo Groups for one aimed at my demographic. The rest was history. Almost. After a few weeks of awkward fumbling and confusion, I heard it – ping.  A member of the group saw my ad and decided to get in touch. It was awkward at first but I committed to giving it all a few weeks before deciding it wasn’t for me. My internal deadline rocketed past between one heartbeat and the next. I don’t know if it was the person involved or activities we got into, but those first few weeks cemented it. This wasn’t some passing fancy or attempt at daring. Over time I became unable to see myself in a relationship where I couldn’t submit to my partner in all areas.

 

Kink One and Kink Two

Day 2: List your Kinks

The list of kinks I’ve got would be a little too long to explain in detail. At least it would be for a single post.

 

Auralism: I don’t quite remember when the sound of someone’s voice became a fetish but I do know when I realized it. Down to the exact day: May 21st, 2016. It was an odd experience. I was chatting with someone over the phone when… poof 4 hour hands-free orgasm. It was like I was a captive in this pleasant, charged dream. Even now I’m still half convinced it was a figment of my imagination.
 
He later turned out to be a tadpole (not even a frog). At least that served as a learning experience.
 
Suits: The main appeal here is that a suit tailored to fit emphasizes a man’s physicality for me. It also ties into my curiosity about CMNF in a seamless manner. 
Hands: The first thing I notice about a man. Hands that look like they’ve never seen a single day’s work are an instant turn off. I prefer short nails, long fingers, lightly veined and faintly callused.

 

 

 

Lady Godiva Was a Peach

via Daily Prompt: Tenacious

Were it not for a growing sense of tenacity, I would never have moved past the self doubt and started looking for work again late last year. I would have remained static, drowning in self pity. I wouldn’t have committed to returning to school and eventually moving on to graduate school when the time comes. I’ve managed to shed a moderate amount of what’s kept me from moving forward with the things and people that matter most to me.

Looking back, as much as I might have wanted to progress in most areas of my life, I lacked the determination and commitment to see those goals through. And frankly, I also lacked the courage. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that I was a coward. The fear is still present every second of every single day, sometimes growing and other days it lessens, in spite of that I push myself to go a little further than the day before. Do something new. Ask that question I was too timid to ask previously. Open up a little more to the people I care for the most.

 

Tenacity? I’m so very glad we met.

I do hope we’ll continue to grow together in the months and years to come.

 

He Touched the Butt!

via Daily Prompt: Cusp

I’ve been having lots of thoughts recently, involving emotions. Positive emotions. Mushy even. I’m not entirely sure how to process it all after close to two years of taking every possible positive feeling that dared rear it’s head, shoving it into a box and tossing said box far, far away. Almost like Pandora’s box in reverse. Hope was one thing I refused to allow myself. It seemed a bit too costly. A major waste of time and energy. In part, there was also a measure of cowardice involved.

Unboxing those feelings and allowing myself to feel, to hope, again has been challenging,but it feels like I’m on the cusp of a change for the better. I may edit this a bit later, but that’s all for now. I’m achy, sleepy and hoping tonight’s pain will pass.

Welcome to Red Oaks

via Daily Prompt: Later

I always seem to put things off until Later. It happens a lot less now than it would have this time last year, but it feels like I still have really long way to go. Even writing this took a lot longer to get around to than I’d like. Currently, the main issue I’ve been having with not doing things on time outside of work is lack of energy. I already do everything I can to get to sleep on time when I get home, so I know it’s not that. Maybe I’m not eating the right balance of protein to carbs?

On the bright side a few things I’m looking forward to later: Summer (not the humidity though), 1-2 new toys I plan on ordering toward the middle of this month, classes starting in the Fall, finishing Linnet Bird and that black satin babydoll. But more on that next time since I’ve got to hurry. Most likely Tuesday.

S’all Good Man

Fortune tends to be a fickle thing. Sometimes everything is wonderful: life goes my way, no foul individuals to deal with or financial bothers of any kind. My joints don’t hurt at all and I might floss twice a day. Other times? Everything goes to hell for an indefinite period.

From a financial standpoint, this prompt irritates me. It makes me think of all the people I’ve been on dates with, who split the check at the end of the night and the rare overdue bill in my childhood. Student loans deferred.  On that note, I loathe splitting the check on dates. With the fire of a thousand suns. If you can’t take me to Per Se or Uchi, don’t. Let’s go to a taco truck or frozen yogurt and an outdoor concert or something. Just don’t go somewhere you couldn’t afford to take yourself, really. Why does it bother me? Because it’s rude and insulting.

Student loans? They’re hellspawn. Period. I made the mistake of living the “student loan rich” life when I had absolutely no reason to a few years back and I;m paying for it now in mountains of irritation. Moral of the story? If you don’t have a valid reason to, like needing to cover living expenses, Do. Not. Do. It. Loans are a nothing but an itchy wool blanket that smells like too many kneazles and old cabbage.

On a personal note: I feel like my fortunes have taken a positive turn over the last six months. I’ve managed to mend a number of fences I’d thought to be burnt out of existence and I’m a lot closer to finding my happy medium.

If only I could find my keys and glasses…

 

 

‘Yer a Wizard!

So you’ve found out you’re a wizard but you’re stuck with hateful relatives in a bedroom that locks from the outside. What’s a person to do at a time like this? Send a Bat signal to the Weasleys, of course! (Or would that be bat-bogey signal?)

While Saint Potter* had his merry band  of redheads to come to his aid, I’ve rarely had that in my own life. Acceptance is a murky, twisty devil of a thing. Something I’ve struggled with for years. Of my own self worth, my sexual inclinations, my body  image (huge improvement there), the direction I’ve chosen in life and my feelings for certain man. Though, the acceptance of my own self worth and body image were closely linked.

Given the environment in which I grew up and experiences I’ve had, it probably shouldn’t surprise me that I’ve still struggled with accepting that I’m interested in certain kinks. But that’s changed a lot over the last year. A lot seems to have changed over the last year. One of the biggest? My temper has evened out a ton.

Those feelings for a particular man? Well – to say they were strong would be a disservice. I wanted to read old emails but couldn’t bring myself to because of how much it hurt. The daydreams were a frequent occurrence. So were the dreams I’d have while sleeping for the first couple months. I spent hours going over what I could have done differently in minute detail. I also worried more than I ever had about someone  in the past. I had an idea of what was wrong when you mentioned the pillows but worried myself sick without knowing the specifics.

Really, I worried about everything. Were you okay? Safe? Happy? There were nights I couldn’t sleep all for how intensely I missed you. I missed how even when you pissed me off, I was still happy just being in each others’ lives. When I do make it out there, I’m not entirely sure I could turn you down if the question was asked. Or that I’d even want to refuse.

So if I seem pushy at times, it isn’t  that I’m trying to annoy you, most likely I’m going through a panicky moment and just need slight reassurance about what might be bugging me. I’m getting  sleepy, nauseated and the ache in my joints is worsening so that’s my cue to stop writing and go to bed. I’ll probably dream  again about that man and waking up beside each other again.

Side note: The messenger at the beginning of the first episode of  the Clone Wars show on Netflix looks vaguely like a member of a Mandrake unit. Minus the ball gag.

 

  • Disclaimer: I’m a huge harry potter fan. No offense or harm intended toward any Weasleys. Can’t say the same for the Dursleys though.

 

 

 

 

Acceptance