Fillory and Back Again

Nerves. We all get them. Some more often than others. Me? Feeling nervous is a round the clock thing for me. First dates? Nervous. First kiss? Surprised (but also anxious). First time doing vaguely adult things with a partner? 100-pound sack of skittish nerves. The second go round wasn’t much better since only about half of what happened was consensual on my end. (That humanoid currently owns and operates a fairly successful company.) Where’s karma when you really need it?

Other things that make me nervous? Initiating contact with people I haven’t spoken to in months or hell,what feels like years. Here’s what happens: I think about initiating contact. Then I go over the possible ramifications of either going though with that course of action or doing nothing at all. I’ll wait a little while longer before going through the same process again, which only serves to plant further seeds of anxiety in an already overfull hypothalamus.

Then the panic sets in. If I don’t catch it early enough that panic blooms into a full on panic/hysteria attack. Once I’ve finally decided on whether I’ll follow through I’ve worked myself up so much that it takes a while to calm down. On extremely rare occasions I might even need a short nap after. (There was only a touch of sarcasm in that last statement.) And that ladies and gentlemen, leads to a very unpleasant me. Partly because I loathe naps. (Unless it’s of the post-coital variety, then I’m happy to indulge.)

After all that, I still spend a lengthy period of time over-analyzing every possible aspect of the initial contact and wondering what I could  have done differently.

On an entirely unrelated note: I need to shop for new lingerie soon and go see my doctor about adjusting or switching my current prescription.



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